For a complete script, see: "Wife Insurance" on the Transcripts Wiki

Stan: None of this happens until you're dead.

Stan: Hey, lady, is that your hot air balloon? I need a ride back to the States.
Carolyn: I'm sorry, but that balloon is for official Guinness business only.
Stan: What if I told you we'd set the record for "Most Spontaneous Cross Atlantic Hot Air Balloon Trip"?
Carolyn: I'm sorry, sir, I can't...
Stan: [pulls out his gun] What if I told you I'm about to set the record for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?
Carolyn: Alejandro, fire up the balloon!

Roger: Glock?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Kevlar vest?
Stan: Check.
Roger: Thing you should do to yourself before you wreck yourself?
Stan: Check.

Francine: My tooth!
Meg: Oh, I can put a crown on for you.
Francine: I'm not going to you again!
Meg: Good luck getting your x-rays back bitch!

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