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Stan: [after Barry hits the windshield] I see one tear, Fatty, and I'm doing it again.

Stan: You're cowboys now, but when we're done, you'll be cow-men. So if any of you boys want to cry or wet yourselves, this is your last chance. [Barry pees his pants] Good! Okay. This guy gets it.

Snot: This is crazy, Steve. Your dad is gonna kill us all.
Steve: Your dad shot your mom in the face with a flare gun! [pauses] I'm sorry, Snot. I don't mean to keep going there.

Snot: I think it's possible there just might be something wrong with your dad.
Steve: Oh, yeah? There's something wrong with your dad, too. Your dad left you!
Snot: Uh, I'm not comparing dads. I'm just saying yours is in his underwear swatting at invisible owls.

Hayley: You have a crush on the liquor store girl?
Roger: Oh, heavens, yes! That's why I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she'll get jealous and want me for herself.
Hayley: Roger, I'm not sure that'll...
Roger: Hayley, you gotta help, you just gotta!
Hayley: Okay, I'll go down there with you.
Roger: God bless you. You're an angel. Now go dress like a woman. I have heels if you need to borrow.

Stan: Men don't do what they like. Men get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like.

Hayley: Get off me, you cow!
Francine: I'll spit in your lazy eye!
Hayley: I had that corrected!
Francine: I can still tell!

Stan: I, sir, will not stay at a Red Roof Inn!

Francine: oh, really? Cause all I see is tissue boobs!
Roger: Fakies
Hayley: Well, you know what I see? Crow's feet!
Roger: Age-deifying make-up.
Hayley: Hag!
Francine: Tramp!
Roger: Ladies, please. No violence.

Barry: [looking at his horse] Mr. Smith, my unicorn is broken!

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