For a complete script, see: "The Best Christmas Story Never" on the Transcripts Wiki

[The family is setting up the Christmas Stuff when Francine looks out the window]
Francine: Oh, here we go, Stan! Christmas Carolers!
Stan: Welcome, ye gentle carolers!
Caroler: Oh, we're not carolers. We're here to warn people of the Holiday Rapist.

Stan: There's no way I'm shooting Reagan, so we might as well start learning Russian. I wonder how you say, "Hold the door" in Russian?

Francine: Well, isn't that cute. Roger's making a snow angel... a face down snow angel... in a pile of angel vomit.
Hayley: He's passed out, Mom. He's been binge drinking since Thanksgiving.

Stan: Francine, I'm going to completely lose my Christmas cheer if I don't get someplace where they understand this holiday pronto.
Francine: We can stop by church.
Stan: I don't need to be bored, Francine. I need to be reminded of what Christmas is all about. To the shopping mall!

Francine: Stan, did you remember to get a gift for Roger?
Stan: Roger? He's not a Christian. You think he cares that 2,000 years ago our Lord and Savior was born in a mangler?
Francine: Uh, I think you mean manger.
Stan: No, no, honey, you're thinking of manager.

Stan: Ah, this is more like it. Two teenagers sitting on an old man's lap as a midget snaps a picture. If that doesn't commemorate our Savior's birth, I don't know what does.
Hayley: This year, Santa smelled like whiskey and the midget smelled like pot.
Steve: I know. When did they change it up?

Stan: Have you seen Donald Sutherland?
Martin Scorsese: You might want to check between Faye Dunaway's legs.

Ghost of Christmas Past: You have to help me. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past and I took your husband back to 1970 and he bolted on me.
Francine: You lost my husband in the past?!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Look, if a mom takes a kid to the mall and loses the kid, do you blame the mom?
[Francine gives her a look]
Ghost of Christmas Past: No, no, you don't, no!

Ghost of Christmas Past: Um, we're kind of in a hurry.
Francine: I'm not going back to that filthy decade without some Purell.

Roger: Disco's Biggest Hits: 1974-1980? This tape is from the future! But that's impossible! On the other hand I am a spaceman working in Elane's... perhaps I should expand my mind view a bit.

Stan: I've got it all wrong! Sutherland pushed her into politics! He's the one I have to kill! [turns and gasps when he sees Donald Sutherland standing right next to him]
Donald Sutherland: What did you say?
Stan: Um...
Donald Sutherland: Are you here to give Jane her massage?
Stan: Yes. That seems pretty fun. [enters Fonda's dressing room and closes the door] Alright, Ms. Fonda. Lie down. You can finish that cat food later.

Greg: Can I have everyone's attention, please? We've just received this injunction, telling us we have to cancel this function.
Terry: You're rhyming again.
Greg: I know, I hear it, I'm trying to stop!

[The crowd is told that the function at the square is cancelled because the land is public and isn't an appropriate place for religious icons]
Stan: What?! We're going to let the secularist non-believers dictate how we celebrate Jesus' birthday?
[A man and his family walking past stop to talk to Stan]
Man: Actually, I kind of see their point. I mean, if you're not Christian, all this Christmas stuff might make you feel a little uncomfortable.
Stan: [angrily] Oh, I cannot wait for the Rapture. [points to the man] You're going to be left behind. [points to the man's wife] You're going to be left behind. [points to the man's baby] You're going to be left behind. [points to the man's dog] You're going to be left...
Francine: [interrupts Stan] Stan, uh... post-Rapture... feel free to use our pool. [the man and his family start walking off] Uh, you know, if... if it isn't boiling.

Stan: You there! What day is this?
Boy: The day? Why, it's Christmas day, sir.
Stan: That's fantastic! Now get the hell off my lawn!

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