For a complete script, see: "Stan Knows Best" on the Transcripts Wiki

Roger: The carpet match the curtains?

Francine: How's everyone's French toast?
Stan: Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

[As Hayley and strip club employee discuss exploitation of strippers]
Strip club patron: Plus, to quote Camille Paglia, these ladies are "sexual conquerors controlling the channel between nature and culture." Take it off, bitch!

Stan: You look like a slutty wad of money.
Hayley: No way.
[Stan reassembles his gun]
Stan: Yes way!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: She started it!

[Stan has a listening device and is listening to Jeff and Hayley from inside the house]
Francine: Oh, Stan, I can't believe our little girl moved out.
Stan: Oh, Francine, you're gonna love this. Jeff, you know Jeff, Jeff lives in his van and the piece of junk just broke down right outside. Haha, she's not going anywhere.
Francine: Stan, are you sure she's...
[Stan breaks the window with his fist]
Stan: Hey, Hayley! At least the last time you ran away, you made it all the way to the stop sign. Haha, that's funny. I'm funny.

Stan: Hey, Sanchez, try to get to work on time for a change.

Roger: Is that a Chinese baby?
Stan: Sure is. Japanese, to be specific.

Francine: Hayley's working at a booby bar? And she traded shifts with Tina? What does Tina have to do that's so important? Wait. This isn't about Tina. This isn't about Tina! It's never been about Tina.

[As Hayley dances]
Stan: Ooh, yeah! Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
Francine: It took me nine months to make it!

[Hayley's wig falls off]
Patron: That's the one place you want 'em to have hair.

Stan: Yes, I know she's got a great ass! Stay on it!

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