- Stan: God pays twice as much attention on Christmas...like the media when a white kid goes missing.
- Roger: Virgin Birth, Water into wine; Its like Harry Potter but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
- Roger: I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys give perfume to the star baby. It’s like the diaries of a mad man!
- Stan: I'm the one who drives by Hebrew schools baptizing kids with a super-soaker filled with garlic water.
- Roger: What's happening? I was just about to do something really funny!
- Stan: I'll tell you what's happening. It's the end of the world! AND WE'VE BEEN LEFT BEHIND!!
- Roger: [looks up and sees the Raptured] Oh, my God! The homeless guy from the bus station is hung! But I knew that.
- Roger: Hold on, so all this Bible stuff is real? Alright, somebody call Mel Gibson and apologize. Then call Tim Robins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon, he'll know what it means.
- Terry: Authorities confirm the total number of Raptured at 142 million. You may notice that my partner Greg isn't here, that's because he was Raptured. Apparently, God does love gays but only if they're 'tops'. Take it in the behind, you get left behind.
- [Roger comes in with a cardboard box]
- Roger: What the hell, Francine?! I'm trying to rebuild my spaceship so I can get off this planet, but all my boxes of spare parts are full of Hard Rock Cafe sweatshirts!
- Francine: Oops. There must have been a mix-up when I gave stuff to good will.
- Roger: Oh, okay, well as long as there's a good explana... [suddenly jumps at Francine and begins strangling her] Didn't you hear the puppets?! Demons are coming to rape our skulls!
- Francine: Stan Smith... go to Heaven!
- Stan: Well, well. What brings you to New Denver, commander Jesus? Here on Christmas vacation? That reminds me, I got you a birthday present.
- [Stan suddenly turns round and punches Jesus in the left cheek. Jesus is unfazed and raises an eyebrow at Stan. Stan punches Jesus in the right cheek]
- Jesus: Ow! My other cheek!
- [Stan and Jesus come across a dead angel warrior]
- Stan: Someone you knew?
- Jesus: Yeah. He was my Father's jester. Really funny dude.
- Stan: The open road is too dangerous.
- Jesus: Uh, what if we go through Sector 16?
- Stan: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
- Jesus: Fine. Then what about Sector 35?
- Stan: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48.
- [Stan and Jesus are riding an elevator up to the Anti-Christ's lair]
- Stan: By the way, what does the Anti-Christ look like?
- Jesus: Believe me, you'll know him when you see him.
- [The elevator doors open and Stan and Jesus are confronted by a creepy-looking, wide-eyed schoolboy. Stan fires at the boy with his shotgun]
- Jesus: AHH! What did you do that for?!
- Stan: That was the Anti-Christ!
- Jesus: No! There's a prep school two blocks away. Sometimes the kids come in here and play!
- [Stan realizes what he has just done]
- Stan: Then I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisys.
- Jesus: Kneel before the Lord... punk.
- Anti-Christ: Condemn them Mother, for they know exactly what they do!
- Stan: Uh... I'm sorry, what is that?
- Anti-Christ: Y'know. It's the opposite of "forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." Hello!? I'm the Anti-Christ! I'm the opposite of Jesus in every way!! Hahaha!
- Stan: Its raining wise men... hallelujah.
- Stan: Merry Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Jesus.
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