For a complete script, see: "Pulling Double Booty" on the Transcripts Wiki

[At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse]
Hayley: Dad?
Stan: [answers it] Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. [to Hayley] It's work. [on the phone] Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? [to Hayley, whispers] Five minutes.
Hayley: Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. [Hayley figures out what is going on] Oh my God! Are You KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Stan: Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. [Hayley brings out a box of matches] Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel... little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. [Hayley rips out a match and strikes it] Oh, now it's worthless.

Stan: Francine tried to hide the cookie dough in the washing machine, but I found it. I always find it.

Francine: [upon learning Hayley might go to jail] Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells! The gangs! Getting shanked in the cafeteria! [Francine makes a fake stabbing and twisting motion in the air] The first couple of stabs break the skin, and then they really drive it in there! And my baby's all "AHH! You bitch, I'll kill you!"
Stan: That was a haunting scenelet, Francine.

Saunders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Saunders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!

Francine: [talking about Hayley] I don't know, Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support. [Hayley wakes up and starts to strangle Francine] Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!

Roger: And just like that I'm working for the Chinese again.

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