Roger: [to an elderly couple] Hey, losers, die already! Earth belongs to the young!
Roger: Stop, stop, stop! You do know the competition's tomorrow, don't you?
Stan: Yeah, of course.
Roger: Okay, okay, good. Then why are you skating like a wiener?!
Stan: Don't I do a Salchow right there?
Roger: You call that a Salchow?! It looks like you have mad Salchow disease! That's right, your skating has a spongiform encephalopathy, bitch!
Klaus' Grandson: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You were a fish?!
Klaus: Oh, yeah, that. But Stan, he was a new man, and he...
Klaus' Grandson: Hold on a second. You were a fish! Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?
Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroeder. You want to hear about that?
Klaus' Grandson: Yeah!
Klaus: Okay. Rick Schroeder sucks. He just, he... he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroeder uses women. The end.
Francine: Come on, isn't it time we spent one winter together?
Stan: Well... all right, let's do it. First thing we'll need to do is raise $80 to buy you a costume. We could put on a show or raffle off a microwave, or...
Francine: But I have $80.
Stan: [sadly] Oh. Okay, then.
Francine: Your dad went out in the middle of the night, and he hasn't come home.
Hayley: Where do you think he goes?
Roger: No idea. But ask me if I want a mimosa. That's a question I can answer.
Klaus: [to his grandson] You know, every time you interrupt someone, your penis gets a little shorter!
Francine: Oh, my God, Stan, you're bleeding! Where have you been?!
Stan: Sorry, that's for me to know and you to find out. But I never want you to find out, so it's just for me to know.
Francine: Stan, I'm your wife. If something's wrong, I want to help you.
Stan: Oh, so by that logic, if something is right, you'll want to hinder me. Great, Francine. Real quality wife-ing.
Francine: [after hearing Stan's story] Oh, God, Stan, that's horrible! But it was an accident. That doesn't make you a monster. Having bulbous eyes and leathery skin and scary teeth makes you a monster. Brett Butler is a monster.
Roger: Ooh, Staniel, I know that look. What's wrong, chief?
Stan: I can't skate in this competition.
Roger: Oh, yeah, Francine told me all about your partner's injury. But you're past that.
Stan: I didn't tell her the whole story.
Roger: No, of course not. No one ever does.
Roger: Wow, Stan, you have a real problem with competition. There's no way you can enter that contest.
Stan: You're right. I'm not going to put my wife's life in danger just for a set of wigs.
Roger: Come again?
Stan: The prize is a lousy set of wigs.
Roger: The prize is a set of wigs?
Roger: Wigs you'd probably just put in the attic and never check on to see if anyone were playing with them or borrowing them to audition for the community theater?
Roger: Stan, you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But... you just said I shouldn't...
Roger: That was a test. You failed. God, you're selfish! [slaps Stan] Bad Stan. Oh, oh, I meant to say, "Bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [slaps Stan again] I don't know, I like it both ways.
Svetlana: Marriage is business contract. I must protect my interests.
Steve: Where did you hear that garbage?
Hayley: It's not garbage. I found her living in your closet, Steve. She's a Russian bride, not a Russian whore. She doesn't have to act like a whore until one of you marries her.
Steve: But you're not married and you're a total whore!
Hayley: That's because I was born in America!
Francine: This is the first time in 20 winters we've done anything together. And now, you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?!
Stan: Well, honey, I...
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thank you! That would have sounded awful coming out of my mouth.
Stan: Ah, Saturday! Sunday's Friday.
Klaus' Grandson: Were you ever a shark?
Klaus: I was two sharks and a monkey! Now go to sleep!
Klaus's Grandson: Oh, tell me the one about how people used to believe in the Bible!