For a complete script, see: "Now and Gwen" on the Transcripts Wiki

[drinking cocaine in her coffee]
Francine: We're so goddamn rich this is how we drink our coffee!

Francine: We have so much to learn about Indian culture.
Worker: We are not Indian. We're Sri Lankan.

Hayley: You smoked in the science lab?
Francine: You think I gave a shit?

Steve: Face to neck. Hand to lower back. Pec to boob? I don't know shit about hugging.

Stan: Now the key thing to remember about a successful hug is, "KISS". That means, "Keep it simple, stupid." Not 'kiss', which you should never try to do during a hug. In fact, forget "KISS". Get "KISS" right out of your brain. 'Cause we are here to learn about "HUGS", which are easy to get if you remember to "KISS", but not 'kiss', never kiss! Now then, "HUGS", "How you get satisfaction... stupid." [Stan sighs] You're looking confused. This is so easy. 'Satisfaction' breaks down into 'S', which stands for 'Satisfaction' un, deux! 'A' is for 'Apple'. 'A' always stands for 'Apple'. There's nothing we can do about that. 'T', 'torso', which is where the hug lives. 'I', "aye-aye-aye, what a hug!", 'S', Satisfaction again. This one will break down slightly different than the one we're doing now, but we'll get to that later. 'F'... Francine. I love Francine. I just do. Back to 'A', stands for 'alphabet', it always does!

Scott Baio: Up here!
Francine: Scott Baio! Are you here to save me?
Scott Baio: Sort of; I'm here to tell you you're pulling on push doors.
Francine: Oh.

Roger: It's a thunder sheet; it's useful for highlighting dramatic moments. I ordered it when Stan's mom was gonna sleep with the gardener.
Stan: She didn't do that.
Roger: Yeah. She did, but nobody knew it because it wasn't highlighted. [Uses sheet] He may not've mowed the lawn for two weeks, but he took real good care of that bush. [Uses sheet] I'll be using this as a rimshot as well.

Gwen: Can't a sister visit a sister without needing an alibi? [Doorbell rings] I need an alibi! That's my probation officer. I've lived here for eighteen months. Oh, and none of us have been selling fake cell phones.
Francine/Hayley: What?
Roger: [Using thunder sheet] Drama!

Francine: Gwen, what is going on?
Gwen: The less you know, the better.
Francine: Ok.

Hayley: Mom, I've dropped Psychology 101 six times, so I know exactly what you're doing.

Gwen: I need you to put this human liver in the fridge.
Francine: Why do you have a human liver?
Gwen: I don't; you have a human liver. I have nothing to do with it, so I'm gonna wash up and then you're driving me to Chimdale to sell that thing.
Francine: Is this my cooler? My sandwich was in here.
Gwen: My sandwich!

[After Steve's failed attempt to hug Gwen]
Gwen: So Steve is, uh, a little special?
Stan: That could work. Yes.

[Gwen repeatedly pulls the car door handle]
Francine: Stop pulling the handle! Stop! Wait! Stop pulling the handle! Christ, you're worse than the kids.

Steve: Uncle Gwen! I was under the ice for six minutes.
Gwen: Oh, Stevie. [The two hug] But you made it.
Steve: Black doctor said I was almost a angel.
Stan: Ooh. Hand to lower back, crotch to thigh, face in the cleavage? He got all three points of contact.

Francine: You say "ahnt" when everyone else in the family says "ant." What's the deal with that?
Hayley: I can't believe you're changing the subject!
Francine: Oh, "cahn't" you?

Francine: [About Gwen] I've done everything I can to cover for her.
Hayley: Oh. That's why we're always mailing bags of pee.

Hayley: Please, Aunt Gwen?
Gwen: [In British accent] Aunt? Get a load of her majesty.

[The school is ablaze]
Francine: Why does this keep happening to us?

Officer: Please surrender farther away from the still-exploding building. Stand up; run! Behave like a person who wants to live!

Klaus: [Using thunder sheet] Drama! Look at me; I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
Roger: [Attacks Klaus] No touching the lights!

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