American Dad Wikia
Steve Smith: I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian...
Principal Lewis: Ehh... My job is really more administrative.

Roger: I'm sorry, but Snot loved Jenny... and Jenny loved Snot.
Hayley: Ew.

Jeff: [examining condoms] Expired, expired, expired. Should we just have a baby?
Hayley: I guess.

[Snot runs off sobbing after Hayley rejects him]
Steve: [calling after Snot] If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps!
Jeff: Yeah, she does.

Francine: I Dream of Jeannie is on next.
Stan: Know what else sounds fun? You start wearing see-through pants and living in a bottle. The CIA has a great shrink ray. I'd carry tiny you around and feed you grains of rice. [He laughs] Come on! Do it.

Roger: Name's Jenny. Jenny Fromdabloc. I'm Steve's cousin, visiting from Jersey.
Steve: Yes, yes she is! I didn't mention it because...
Roger: No one's doing the math. [to Snot] Your hair is curly.
Snot: You should see it when I wash it on Tuesdays.

Steve: You slut!
Roger: I have to say it was relaxing being an innocent young girl for a change.
Steve: Innocent! You did it with Snot on the beach.
Roger: Yeah, I did. Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole. Op! I mentioned it.

Steve: I'm sorry I ever asked you for this favor. I should have known you'd take it too far.
Roger: Yeah, you should have. You've known me for years, Steve.

Roger: [crying] Sons of Tucson, new on FOX? When was this on? I watch FOX, I never saw this.

Steve: Do you know what time it is?
Roger: Nope. We were having sex in the park and I totally lost track. I must have been making weird noises because a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone. Had to throw a couple cats.

Steve: What is that?
Roger: Oh, this? My stress ball.
Steve: But there's a crack in it. [Roger nods] Oh, my God. That's how you've been...
Roger: Relieving stress. Because this is a stress ball. And trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.

Roger: I can't just switch personas like that. See, sometimes certain characters grab ahold of ya. And brother, they set up shop in the depths of your soul.

Roger: I like Snot. He's cute and he's funny, and he treats me nice. Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
Steve: He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser! He's Rob Morrow, on his best day.

Snot: Once you've been intimate with a lady, you start to see it everywhere. Like in the sideways mouth of a bearded man.

Steve: Traitors! Last I checked, "Friends Excursions" included ALL of the friends. How could you come here without me?
Snot: Because you hate Jenny and you're jealous that I'm getting snizz on the reg.

Francine: Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
Jeff: I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs. S.
Francine: Just bad timing, Jeff.
Jeff: It's a sex thing.
Francine: I know, Jeff.

Roger: Snot won't take me back after you revealed Jenny was faking it with him.
Steve: True, but I think I just found a way for you to make him feel like a man again.
Roger: Ooo, how about you fill me in over a couple of beers? [He lifts his blouse] Great, right? I had two party balls implanted in my chest. One light beer, one regular.

Steve: What are you doing here?
Roger: Come to pay respects to one of my best characters ever.
Steve: How'd you fake her death, anyway?
Roger: Oh, that was easy. I can move really, really fast.
Steve: You sure can!
Roger: I can.
Steve: My underwear! Can I have those back?
Roger: No, I already sold 'em to that guy.

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