- Roger: Well, it's pretty obvious what you should do. [sips tea] You need to kick this bitch [sips tea] to the curb [sips tea] pronto.
- Jenna: [as her phone rings] That's my boyfriend, Figgus. He says he wants to fun me in his dad's tool shed? What does that mean?
- Steve: Uh, pretty sure that's his autocorrect.
- Jenna: Oh, that explains why his ditch pic looks like this.
- Steve: Aaah!
- Figgus: Quit looking at my ditch, nerd!
- Coach Keegan: You players won't look up to me if you're having sex and I'm not. Now whose house am I sleeping at tonight?
- [Roger and Steve play gin rummy]
- Roger: If I wanted to play a complete moron, I'd play with Klaus.
- Klaus: Oh ho ho ho, burn, Steve!
- Steve: The inside of your face smells so bad.
- Roger: Oh that's just Greek yogurt. I spilled some in my eye socket and then I went in the sun.
- Roger: [disguised as Steve] Get over here and put this hand in your back pocket facing your ass!
- Jenna: Steve! I didn't know you were so...romantic. [complies]
- Roger: Your bottom's warm.
- Christy: Mini-pillow fight!
- Stan: You touch-a my sun, I break-a you face.
- Steve: [to Jenna] You're pregnant?! [Jenna's dad reaches the bottom of the stairs and grabs ahold of him] Oh my God, he's got me! He's taking me up the stairs! What's at the top of the stairs?! Oh God, it's all happening so slowly!
- Francine: [as Denise hugs her father] He just punched her in the face like three seconds ago.
- Roger: [to Steve] You are apoplectic!
- Roger: [disguised as Coach Keegan] Figgus, remember how I said I didn't want my players having sex if I wasn't getting any? Well forget that. Get back together with your girlfriend.
- Figgus: OK Coach! Does that mean you're finally getting some?
- Roger: No, it's more that the school board heard about my policy, and apparently I'm not allowed to have it. Sometimes in life, you gotta make halftime adjustments. So, get back together with your girlfriend, raise your baby together and, well, see you at practice. And I hope you don't drop that baby as much as you drop the football. Heh, now get out of here. [whips Figgus with his face]
- Figgus: Your towel's bleeding, coach.
- Roger: Shut up and hit the showers, Figgus. Oh, and don't look behind the door on your way out.
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