- Stan: The Tappahannock Ham Society is a brotherhood of southern gentlemen, who carry out the great Virginian tradition of curing and ageing ham.
- Roger: Ham the meat?
- Stan: The same.
- Stan: You, in ham club? I don't think so.
- Roger: Why not?
- Stan: You're not a good fit. By that, I just mean, I don't think anyone would like you. Also, you have a tendency to ruin all my things.
- Roger: I ruin everyone's things! That's my thing! And now you've ruined it!
- Calhoun: I know you're a friend of brother Stan's, so I'll get to the meat of the matter. Do you like ham?
- [Roger's pits become visibly sweaty through his suit]
- Calhoun: Roger? Your thoughts on ham?
- Roger: Yes, yes. Bottom line, there's not a thing in god's creation I love more than the taste of clam. Uh, er, sorry. What I'm trying to say is, that, more than anything in the world, I want in your clam club.
- Roger: Ugh. Again with the ham? Don't you guys ever do anything else?
- Stan: I hope my face shows how mad I am, emotionally.
- [The poisoned members of the Tappahannock Ham Society vomit after consuming what was supposed to be the un-poisoned redemption ham]
- Stan: I don't understand.
- Roger: I can see there's no tricking you, Stan, so I'll just come clean. I poisoned our redemption ham.
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