- Bullock: The torture variety pack is tempting. Heretics fork, metal spanker, anal tarring brush...
- Jackson: It's a barbecue set.
- Bullock: ...but who needs two of anything?
- Bullock: I'm going to fuck this fucker in the tushie! Hand me the anal-tarring brush!
- Stan: I can’t blame another agent!
- Roger: Okay, well, not a living agent. People in the C.I.A die all the time, right? So, wait for the next one and pin it on them.
- Stan: That’s...That’s actually a good idea.
- Roger: What do you mean ‘actually a good idea’? You say that like I don’t have good ideas! I always have good ideas! I am by far the most creative person in the family!
- Stan: Okay, okay.
- Bullock: Okay yourself, guy!
- Girl: Oh Steve you're so nice, it's making me so horny for Trevor.
- Steve: Oh, you're one of Trevor's girl. Yeah, he's been hitting it pretty hard since his divorce.
- Roger: These are the same hands that choked Lisa Bonet when she beat me out of the role of Denise Huxtable on A Different World. That was a lie. The role was created for her, but I did choke her.
- Stan: Roger? Do you sell sperm too?
- Roger: Sell?
- Steve: [after his date leaves him for another guy] She's fourteen and you're, like, twenty-five, buddy! Good luck picking out a movie you both agree on!
- Steve: [Captured by the CDC] I confess, I'm a good boy for hire!
- CDC agent #2: [On discovering that Steve's handkerchief is the source of the deadly virus] Mother of God...
- CDC agent #3: Conquistador measles doesn't infect the sexual immature.
- CDC agent #2: A class 5 virus going after a dweeb like you? Please.
- Steve: But it can still like me as a friend, right? And one day grow into something m...more than friendship?
- [after Stan confesses his lies to Bullock]
- Bullock: I think the lesson is obvious, Smith.
- Stan: It is. I'm a better man when I'm honest. Also, you never really escape a lie, even if you get away with it.
- Bullock: Geez! The lesson is to bring a bloody gift to Evil Santa! A mistake I'm sure you didn't make this year.
- Stan: Uh...
- Roger: [Dressed as Santa] Wait a minute, was this our Christmas episode? What month is this?
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