For a complete script, see: "Family Affair" on the Transcripts Wiki
Stan: Hands, please. "Dear Lord, please bless these dice and my little wheelbarrow. And please Lord, give me the strength to resist the temptation to buy railroads. Amen." [Claps] Okay, lets do this. [Rolls dice] Five. 1, 2, 3, 4...Reading Railroad. I'll buy it.
Francine: GO BACK TO YOUR WHORE FAMILY!!!
Stan: Did you see that billboard for the evening news? I can't believe our two top reporters are part of five different races!
[After Roger accidentally calls Steve "Scotty"]
Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.
Security Guard: You were his emergency contact. We didn't know what else to do.
Stan: What happened to him?
Guard: Well, take a look at this security video. He arrives with this family at 9 am. Churros, elephant ears, the whole nine yards. By 11 am, he was in line for the flume, which he rode sixteen times, all with different families. Two hours later, he's Puss in Boots with yet another family, eating a caramel apple, watching an animatronic bear play the fiddle. As the day progressed, he was with nine more families in nine more outfits, the rights to which I doubt he owns... until we found him like this, gurgling, slumped over a teacup, and urinating on a pinwheel.
Roger: I went on a family bender. I have a problem!
Therapist: Roger, why don't you tell everyone what your expectations are for group therapy?
Roger: Okay, first of all, I don't believe in any of this therapy nonsense. [Gasps] The Logans! Oh my God, the Logans! They were the first family I ever lived with, and then they abandoned me years ago, and I haven't been able to trust anybody ever since! Thank you, Doctor! You are a miracle worker! [He exits]
Therapist: You see that, people? That's how you share. That's a freaking breakthrough. You make me sick!