- [Stan wakes up Christmas morning and finds he is alone]
- Stan: Honey? Where's my morning BJ? [no answer] I have to get my own breakfast juice? Some Christmas.
- Stan: I wanted my family to be, like, suspended in a void, y'know, or like a static nothingness or whatever happens when I leave the room.
- Roger: This might be one of those dealios where you gotta learn a lesson before things go back to normal.
- Stan: What the hell does that mean?
- Roger: Like in the movies. You've seen It's a Wonderful Life, right?
- Stan: Nope.
- Roger: How 'bout Big?
- Stan: Uh-uh.
- Roger: You saw Ted?
- Stan: No.
- Roger: Really? Look, sometimes in a movie, a person thinks that they want something but then...
- Stan: Oh, like in The Care Bears Big Wish Movie! Okay, I learned my damn lesson. Lewis has my shit and I want it back.
- Roger: Not sure you have. You're calling your family shit.
- Roger: Some people say "Porsh". Some people say "Porcia". I don't choose sides. I let the car do the talking. I say "Porcia". It's longer. Better chance someone will overhear me talkin' about it. Por-ciaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
- [Discovering that Klaus is a normal goldfish]
- Stan: Oh God, the fish doesn't talk. What kind of Twilight-Zone am I living in?
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