For a complete script, see: "Daddy Queerest" on the Transcripts Wiki
- Stan: [while drunk] Francine, you need to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!
- Tank Bates: What're you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend.
- Stan: No she's not. She's my wife! Greg is Terry's boyfriend!
- Tank Bates: What?
- Stan: Terry and Greg are in love! Your son is gay! [Terry faints in an overly-cliched manner; his father, confused, catches him] See? That's not how a straight guy faints.
- Steve: [drunk] What up, you ass-faced bitches? You stupid-ass honky fuckin' faggots?
- Roger: Well, hello, potty-mouth!
- Bullock: I had a few gay experiences while I was at boarding school. Nothing major, just a couple of friendly night-poundings.
- Stan: What a day. Where's dinner?
- Greg: At the store. I don't cook, Stan. We'll just have to go out to dinner.
- Stan: But it's a weekday! That's once-in-a-while-on-weekends talk!
- Greg: Straight women don't ask for much, do they?
- Stan: They really don't. Just use coasters now and again and don't whiz in the shower on her birthday.
- Stan: [Pushes Francine into the pool] Look, everyone! Her dress is see-through!
- [After Stan breaks down a door]
- Francine: Why did you do that?
- Stan: Do what? Test the ax that could save our lives in a fire?
- Roger: Hello, I'm Roger. I like to pretend! Come on!
- Waiter: Drink to dull your shame? [Stan helps himself] Oh, piggy wants two drinks? Drink it, piggy. Does it taste good, pig?
- Roger: [To Steve] Let's go get drunk. You're driving.
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