For a complete script, see: "Cops and Roger" on the Transcripts Wiki

Steve: You joined the police academy, Roger? Sounds pretty badass.
Francine: Steve, language.
Roger: Shut the fuck up, Franny. The boy's expressing himself.

Stan: Roger's a dirty cop. He's been on the force for three hours.

Roger: Wait, why is this wrong? Next to "Miranda Rights," I put: "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby."

Roger: I'm tired of being weak! Help me!
Stan: I've been waiting hear those words for a long time. I just prayed they would come from my son and not an alien in a sports bra.

Hayley: So, how's Rhonda? I haven't seen you since our double date.
Reginald: Actually, me and her broke up.
Hayley: Oh, I'm I'm sorry to hear that. You know, me and Ian broke up, too.
Reginald: Aw, man, it's Heartbreak Hotel up in here. Damn it, Elvis, leave us alone!

Stan: Deputy Director Bullock, I have something you'll want to see right away. No, it's not nude photos of Talia Shire. No, it's not... Look, no... I...I... I'm not asking you to guess what it is. No, I didn't buy you a belt. You'll see in a minute. You can wait. Sir, stop it.

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