For a complete script, see: "Con Heir" on the Transcripts Wiki
Jack Smith: [to Francine] You just keep your pretty little mouth shut and everything will be Punky Brewster.
[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles!
Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.
Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Francine: Okay, I get it!
[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Stan: Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?
[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?
Stan: Right, so we should pound on it for, like, 2 minutes?