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Avery Bullock: No one's that perfect and farts that deep.

Avery Bullock: Go for Bullock. [Bullock slips on wet floor] Why didn't I lay down some towels?

Roger: I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.

Lou: I can do anything! I'm a million miles tall!
Steve: Is your uncle on drugs?
Snot: Probably.

Barry: Girl, you're gonna feel a little prick.

Snot: Mom? You were right. Your brother... He killed himself.
Snot's mom: Told ya.

Frank: But Stan...
Stan: The only "but" is the butt of my gun!
Frank: What?
Stan: Just know it was super clever.

Roger: Listen, Franny. At a certain point, a man needs to hang out with other people and get away from his wife because it's boring. I'm tired of talking to you, and it's only been twenty seconds.

Klaus: Well, she's gone, probably for at least half an hour. Should we...fool around again?
Roger: God, Klaus, no. I told you that was just a ten-time thing.

Francine: Husbands and wives are best friends.
Klaus: Ugh! That's just what stupid people say to each other in their stupid wedding vows. [Turns to camera] Please. Say that at your wedding. Then play that ukulele version of "Somewhere over the Rainbow". Real original, Dave! Oh! Maybe you should get a dog the year before you have children. You know? For practice. Kill yourself, Dave! Your life's been lived like a billion times.

Jon Hamm: Is this how you want your hike to end? Hi. I'm Jon Hamm. Over a hundred percent of all domestic disputes are just two people trying to work stuff out. You getting involved isn't gonna help; you don't know what's going on. I don't care what you think you see; just keep your eyes down and keep walking. For more information on how not to get involved, go to www.dont-be-a-hero.com.

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