For a complete script, see: "Bully for Steve" on the Transcripts Wiki

Stan: Better not say a fuckin' word or I'll kill you.

Stan: I once had a bully. Stelio Kontos was his name. He was as mean as he was Greek.

Jeff: How's your huge vagina?
Hayley: Oh, Yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.

Steve: Aah! You got it in my eye! I know, I know. That's what Mom said last night.
Stan: That's right while I was doing her. Ba-boom!

Francine: I'm going to teach you how to kick your father's ass.
Steve: Good! That ass needs a pounding.
Francine: Yeah, that's what your father said last night.

Ride Operator: [points to the height restriction sign] Sorry.
Reginald: Aww, c'mon man, you gotta let me on. I'm trying to create a moment with this girl. I respect this bitch! I love this bitch!
Ride Operator: Oh, I'm a sucker for love. Wrap your arms around that bitch, never let her go.
Reginald: C'mon baby. Our chariot awaits.

[Stan tackles an old lady outside a butcher shop and pulls off a mask to show Steve underneath]
Steve: Oh, come on!
Stan: You can't have Roger dress you up just to avoid me.
Steve: Do you know how long makeup took?! I was in the chair at 4 am!

Stan: I didn't think you'd show. Who's this, your boyfriend?
Roger: Oh, I don't like that one bit. You know damn well who I am.
Steve: He's here to photograph the crime scene, 'cause you're about to get murdered!

[Stelio Kontos beats up Stan]
Steve: I found him on Facebook, and it got me thinking. Why do you care how I get those oranges up the stairs? I can pay someone to bring them up for me, just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass.
[Stelio beats up Stan some more]
Stan: No! You're not doing it yourself, Steve, so it doesn't count!
Steve: Really? Sure looks like it counts to me.

Captain Crunch: This is really nice work. You're hired. Your first assignment: a brutal triple rape right off the freeway.
Roger: Oh, thank you, Captain Karhoonch.
Captain Crunch: It's Crunch and you're welcome.

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