- Steve: See. Thanks to Roger, Etan will think someone's trying to steal the gifts from the car. But that's just a misdirection; the real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.
- Roger: [whispers to Barry] Scams make me so horny.
- Roger: And what Steve doesn't realize is while everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry handy-J.
- Debbie: Steve, I didn't know you could dance.
- Steve: I can do a lot of things. Yesterday, I gave myself a prostate exam, then had a coffee. Though if I could do it over again, I'd probably reverse the order...
- Steve: Etan cares about his bar mitzvah more than anything, right? And what do kids get for bar mitzvahs? Gifts, and lots of 'em.
- Roger: [snaps fingers] Say no more! [pause] Okay, say more. I don't... I actually don't know where this is going.
- Stan: Francine, you know I only laugh at Two and a Half Men. Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores, then has breakfast with a fat child. It's funny just talking about it.
- [The day after Snot has been accused of robbing Etan's bar mitzvah]
- Etan: He's not going to have a bar mitzvah! Because I'm taking you in front of the Beth Din!
- Snot: The Beth Din?!?
- Students: I don't know what that is. Beth Din...etc.
- Snot: What's the Beth Din?
- Skinhead: The leader of a group of Jewish elders. Your culture is a very rich one which we despise.
- Etan: Once the Beth Din hears what you did, not only will you be kicked out of our temple, no other temple will take you. You'll never be bar mitzvah-ed. Doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days as a child.
- [exits the scene]
- Snot: The rest of my days as a child?!
- Toshi: Speak for yourself. I had to spend the rest of my days haunted by a 12th century shogun warrior's ghost.
- [The ghost of a samurai warrior ghost appears next to Toshi]
- Samurai warrior: [Japanese with subtitles] You know they can't understand you.
- Toshi: You're right, Minamoto. The clam chowder IS quite good.
- Etan: Let me down! They’re stealing my presents. [Screaming like a girl while every guest gasps] THEY’RE STEALING MY PRESENTS!!!!!!!!!!!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Bar Mitzvah Hustle's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 3 | American Dad Season 4 | Season 5 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | 1600 Candles | #08 | Chimdale | #15 | Wife Insurance | ||||||
| #02 | The One That Got Away | #09 | Stan Time | #16 | Delorean Story-an | ||||||
| #03 | One Little Word | #10 | Family Affair | #17 | Every Which Way But Lose | ||||||
| #04 | Choosy Wives Choose Smith | #11 | Live and Let Fry | #18 | Weiner of Our Discontent | ||||||
| #05 | Escape from Pearl Bailey | #12 | Roy Rogers McFreely | #19 | Daddy Queerest | ||||||
| #06 | Pulling Double Booty | #13 | Jack's Back | #20 | Stan's Night Out | ||||||
| #07 | Phantom of the Telethon | #14 | Bar Mitzvah Hustle | ||||||||