Roger: Steve, I think you're cleaning your glasses with your mom's panties.
Stan: Ah, Mr. PiBB. The cornerstone of our love. Delicious, refreshing, and totally lacking in portention!
Steve: You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie, and you remember what happened to her.
Roger: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family! Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me.
Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, two weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
Klaus: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!
Steve: I lost Roger, Hayley! I was all wrapped up in my science fair and I yelled at him, and I drove him right into the arms of a kid who beats him!
Hayley: Oh, I just thought you got like a boner in gym class or something.
Steve: I don't know what to do! Why does he stay, Hayley?! Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff: Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready!
Henry: [to Roger] You don't appreciate what I've done for you! I made you lieutenant! You were a cook when we started playing!
Stan: I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.
Francine: You called me a pig.
Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.
[Steve answers the phone]
Roger: [in a panic, calling from Henry's bathroom] Aaah! He's gonna kill me! You were right! Heeelp!
Henry: [banging on the door from outside] Open this door, dammit! [He kicks down the door. Roger yells and drops the phone.]
Steve: Hang on, I'm coming! [He hangs up and is just about to run out the door when the phone rings again.] Hello?
Roger: [now soaking in a bathtub] Yeah, everything's cool. Henry and I made up. He asked me to move in with him.
Steve: Oh, for Pete's sake! I'm coming anyway!
Steve: Chlorine, Bromine... crap! [looks at book] Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words "teen" and "ass" in it.
Roger: Check it out, I blinded us with science!
Steve: Look, Roger, I'm not gonna make a bunch of promises about how we're always gonna play together and how every moment's gonna be great. And if a girl calls and I think there's a shot at boob, I'm going for the boob. But I will come home and tell you about it. Because you're not my alien, you're my friend. My best friend.
Henry: [to Roger] You're so fat and ugly. You're... you're as fat as a... as a fart!
Roger: [as he's riding in the basket of Henry's bike] This is one sweet ride. What is she, a Huffy? Baby, you treat me so fine!
Steve: We've gotta get you out of here.
Roger: I would if only it weren't for the baby.
Steve: Roger, there's no baby.
Roger: Oh. Guess I didn't need to give up smoking.
Roger: [moaning] Oh! Oh! The pain! My moaning stems from pain!