Trapped in the Locker

"Trapped in the Locker" is a parody of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet", sung by Steve Smith in "Criss-Cross Applesauce: The Ballad Of Billy Jesusworth" as he explains how his day goes, from accidentally getting locked in the girl's soccer team locker room, to witnessing Principal Lewis shooting his secretary, discovering that his best friend is playing games with a mutual foe and said friend's mom having sex with numerous neighbors.

Lyrics
Three-thirty, in the afternoon

I should be doing my homework inside my own room

But, bad luck, got me all messed up

I'm in the locker room and now I'm stuck

Guess I'm a goner now

See, I was walkin', Snot was talkin', I remembered something

I'd forgotten to grab my wallet, because I was rushin ' 

Then he said "I'd better go to my grandma's house"

I shrugged and I turned around

Back to the school, but who did I found?

Background voice: Mertz

Oh, no. This is not who I want to see, was running 'til I saw an opening

And now the whole soccer team's bound to freak

She's approaching the locker, they're done practicing soccer

She's opening the locker, wish there was some way to block her...

[interlude]

So these girls pull me out of the locker talking about "What the hell you doing up in here?"

I'm like, "Hold up bitch, you need to lower your voice, do I make myself clear?"

She like, "Woah, who you calling a bitch?"

''I'm like, "You." She like, "Who?!" I'm like, "You bitch."''

"Wait, hold up, let me explain all the shit I've been going through

Now let's start over, my name is Steve, it's nice to meet you ladies"

"Cut that bullcrap Steve we know that you've been acting shady"

"So listen close, 'cause this is what we are gonna do"

"When somebody's creeping, we call in Jewel"

"''Not Jewel." "Yes Jewel"''

Oh no, Jewel looks like a grown-ass man

Fourteen years old, at least two hundred and fifty pounds

She's coming at me, and this is when things start to get foolish

''The roof caved in, on top of her. oh, my God, it's Lewis...Lewis...Lewis...''

[interlude]

Three forty seven, in Principal Lewis' room

This fool is having a panic attack, I hope this is over soon

He was talking about "Budget cuts, no pest control for months

I wasn't perving, or looking at butts

I was in the AC man, hunting for rats, I swear to God"

"Man, that's your business, not my business, I don't need no update"

"I got a new woman so we need to get our stories straight"

"We? What the fuck you talkin' 'bout man, There's no "we"

"Steve, if my new woman hear about this she gonna leave"

[a sneeze is heard from the closet]

"Wait, what the heck was that? Sounded like a rat..."

Then he pulled out a Jericho 9 millimeter, started bustin

[Lewis fires a series of shots into the closet door]

And just when I thought it couldn't get more scary

When he opened the door, the rat turned out to be secretary Mary...Mary...Mary...

[interlude]

[Steve is riding his bike away from school]

So I, speeding down the street reaching for my phone, about to have a fit

I'm calling the one dude who can help me out of this mess

rring..."Come on Snot, I need you to pick up the damn phone right now"

And the next part's so jacked up that it hurts

The dude that picked up wasn't Snot, it was Mertz

Mertz: Hello?

[interlude]

I'm trippin, what the heck is going on?

Maybe I called the wrong number and got the wrong phone

But, the doors are open, smells like potpourri

I walk in and what do I see, Snot and Mertz playing "Risk"

"I'm betrayed, my favorite game you're playing with that bully"

"What, now you're close, wait, you're drinking milk and cookies"

''Snot was like "listen..." "No, no, no, no, no..."''

"I can explain" "Well, then, go ahead and explain yourself"

Then Mertz jumped up, said "I'll explain so that you two will cool it"

"See, his dad died, and my dad died, and "Risk" is therapeutic"

''I was like "Amen." Snot was like "Amen to that."''

I love "Risk"

[Mertz] I love "Risk" too

"Damn, you bonded over "Risk," that's beautif..."

[Lewis kicks in the door]

Principal Lewis kicked in the door, waving a forty-four

Talking about "Don't speak, don't move no more

But Snot's mom came in and said "Lewis Baby, put down that gun and uncock it"

And that's when we noticed they were wearing the very same locket...locket...locket...

[interlude]

Now we all on the floor feeling clueless

It's hard to believe that Snot's mom was banging Lewis [Lewis and Mrs. Lonstein embrace]

Then Lewis says "It's been a helluva day"

"I'm glad this whole thing is out...wait, why are you wearing a negligee?"

"How'd you even know that you was fittin' to see me?"

"And whose clothes are those thrown over the TV?"

''And Snot's mom was like "but, but, but, but, but..." stuttering all over the place''

And Lewis says "Girl, unless you got Parkinson's, start talkin' straight" [Bullock enters in a state of undress and speaks]

"Baby, is everything ok?"

"Wait, holdup, I know this ain't the dude that's the reason for the calvarade lingerie"

Then Lewis starts waving his gun around and bustin' shots off into the closet

Then Greg fell out, said "Avery, how could you be so dishonest?"

Snot's mom screamed

Now Greg's pager's flashing blue, he said "My bed's got a clue"

Next thing, his man is in the room

Seven minutes later, twelve adults with their guns out

Talkin' about "You fucked her, and ducked him," screaming while they all shout

But then...Principal Lewis started laughing, just sittin' there, giggling to himself, just laughing

He said "Well, now that we've all made the connection, I hope everybody was using protection"

Then they all started laughing because of course, nobody had

Snot's mom, Greg and Stelio and this new couple, Gina and Chad

They was all just laughing, just giggling and laughing, and we snuck out while they was laughing...

[Francine interrupts Steve's song]